TOXIC POSITIVITY. PLEASE STOP.
It’s Monty Python’s best-known song. Even if you’ve never seen the movie, you’ve heard the lyric. Always look on the bright side of life. It’s funny because it’s ridiculous. There’s ‘Jesus’ and his mates, hung out to die – and they start to sing. “When you’re chewing on life’s gristle, don’t grumble give a whistle – and this’ll make things turn out for the best.”
It’s funny because it’s ridiculous. But fast forward to 2021 and suddenly we’re living the satire. You know those moments: where something isn’t great and you suddenly get accosted by glass-half-full-fairies, clip-clopping through cliche’s and arse-blasting sun beams in every direction. It really doesn’t help.
TOXIC POSITIVITY IS A PROBLEM
Toxic Positivity is defined as an obsession with positive thinking. The belief that people should put a positive spin on all experiences - even those that are profoundly tragic. It’s good vibes gone bad.
That’s not to say that positivity isn’t useful. It is. But the challenge is accepting that sometimes things are shitty – and it’s okay to feel that way. While positive thinking can help us find silver linings in any cloud. Toxic Positivity refuses to acknowledge the clouds exist.
And that’s the difference. Those well-meaning, get-out-of-jail platitudes are thoughtless. “Look on the bright side”, “Stay positive”, “Things could have been worse.” None of them throw rope to someone in a hole. Often, they make stuff worse. The better thing to do is to climb down alongside someone and acknowledge the pit they’re in.
YOU CAN’T FIX YOUR FRIENDS
That’s the guts of the issue. Nobody likes to see someone sad, so we jump in, boots and all, to try make stuff better. And we can’t. Because how someone feels is how they feel – and they’re the only people who can change that.
What we can do is listen, support, recognise their feelings and join them in the dark to look for a light switch. But only they can switch the lights on – and only when they’re ready. No amount of wittering about the sunny day outside will help them get ready any sooner.
STAY POSITIVE. DITCH TOXIC
Positive thinking is really helpful. But only when filtered with empathy. So next time you find yourself aiming for “Stay positive” try “I’m sure it feels hard to be positive right now.” That puts you in their camp and your positive intent makes a positive difference.
When you’re tempted to trot out “Never give up”, consider why not. Maybe try “Sometimes it’s okay to give up and move on.” Because sometimes it is. And maybe this is one of them. And before you say “Stop being negative”, think it through. Maybe that’s a totally normal emotion – and maybe it’s just what they need.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting we stop looking on the plus side. Positive thinking has stacks of positive benefits. But positivity turns toxic if we don’t stop to think about feelings. And those glass-half-full-fairies shitting sunbeams? They just need to stop.
That’s what I reckon, what do you think?
LIKING HOW WE THINK?
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