SASS FROM THE STARS - JULY 2021
Winter sucks. You’re over it, I’m over it, and the stars are over us whinging about it. Enough is enough. Here’s the cosmic callout you need to ignite your fires from within, beat the blues and reel in those relentless complaints.
CANCER
Cancers usually love the comforts of the colder months. But this one’s been nippy, even for a crab. The stars say it’s time for an all-new wardrobe. Fancy boots and designer jackets? Nah, you’re a total hermit. A dressing gown and slippers will do.
LEO
You don’t seem to have an issue with the cold. It’s the rain that gets you, Leo. More specifically, what happens to your hair when it rains. Chin up wild one, the stars say your tangled mane is the least of your vanity issues. That moustache is out of control!
VIRGO
Wow, Virgo. You’ve cleaned your home from top to bottom twice already this winter. But now what? The stars say get creative. Bust out some paints, clay, maybe some sexy chocolate syrup. Make a big mess so you’ve got something to do in August.
LIBRA
Whenever someone says, “I’m so over winter”, and you chime back “same”, the stars cringe. As social as you pretend to be, you love a lazy night in. Be real, Libra. There’s nothing wrong with a weekend-long Bravo marathon in bed. That’s living!
SCORPIO
While normally the picture of misery, you’ve been enjoying yourself lately. Splashing in puddles, singing in the rain, starting the day with a mulled wine. The stars love seeing you thrive, Scorpio. But that breakfast routine of yours is a bit concerning…
SAGITTARIUS
When the sun doesn’t shine, neither do you, Sagittarius. You just can’t get into the swing of winter – spending all your time staring out windows, waiting for someone to take you on an outing. The stars say, enough. Buy a leash and take yourself out.
CAPRICORN
It’s hard to stay positive when your life is turning to shit. But it’s just a phase Cap, the stars promise. Ride out the rest of winter and see how you bounce back. You’ll still be sad and ugly, but at least it won’t be cold and rainy, right? Look on the bright side.
AQUARIUS
Look at you go, Aquarius. Gym every morning, extra hours at work, cycling from A to B – in the dead of winter! As the laziest zodiac, the stars say it’s a welcome change. Pity you don’t show that same level of commitment in all areas of your life, *Jeremy*.
PISCES
Having your car stolen may seem unfair, Pisces. But the stars say it’s opening doors in ways you would never expect. Like those daily flirtations with that awkward stranger at the bus stop. Are they the line dancing partner you’ve been waiting for?
ARIES
Your friends need you now more than ever, Aries. They’ve retreated into their shells, and no one wants to play. As the unofficial leader, the stars say it’s up to you to get the gang together. But whatever you do, don’t start a group chat. No one wants that.
Taurus
Taureans know how to do winter the right way. Rugged up like a yeti wherever you go. But the stars say there’s a line. PJs and slippers at the supermarket are a big no-no. Not because it’s trashy. Rather, you’re making the rest of us super jealous.
GEMINI
Listen Gemini, I didn’t want to put you on blast like this. But the stars insist. You’re the reason we’re all so f*cking cold. Not that you control the weather, but you sure do talk about it a lot. Get some better chat. Stop shivering and start dancing.
There you have it, all the other-worldly wisdom you need to beat the blues. Now, let go of those winter woes – there’s another Antarctic blast on its way. And the stars say it’s gonna be a bad one. Lucky you’re ready for it, right?
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