SASS FROM THE STARS 11/22
While winter is behind us, the stars say the worst is still to come. Brace yourselves. Mercury retrograde is here and ready to ruin us all. So heed their advice. And if you fumble this month, remember you have a totally logical excuse.
VIRGO
It’s birthday season. And as always, you’re very prepared, Virgo. With invitations sent six months in advance, the stars reckon you’re in for a roarer. Maybe the life-sized ice sculpture of yourself is too far. But who cares. It’s YOUR day. Why not get two?
LIBRA
After a chaotic winter – you’ve finally got your balance back, Libra. Work, home and relationships are all on an even scale. But the stars warn, you can’t have it all. So as you step into spring, it’s time to set priorities… before life sets them for you.
SCORPIO
What’s got you so riled up, Scorpio? The stars can hear your claws snapping from all the way in the cosmos. Time to stop stewing and start doing. Write a list of enemies, load your weapons and raise hell. No one takes your park and gets away with it.
Sagittarius
It’s time to clock off, Sag. You’ve been hanging round the office like a foul smell. Seriously, fish pie in the office microwave was a bad move. The stars say a little less EW and a bit more OOO. HR will be in touch about your staff room conduct.
CAPRICORN
You’re really feeling yourself lately and the stars are too. Is it the new faux-hawk you’re rocking? The teeth bling? The low-rise jeans? Whatever it is, you’re nailing it Cap. Keep up the good work, people might start high fiving you in the street.
AQUARIUS
You know what they say, Aquarius. Curiosity killed the cat. But that’s not what you say to someone frantically searching the streets for their furry friend. Especially since it was your dog that got ‘em. And his name isn’t Curiosity. The stars see you *Jeremy*
PISCES
Speak your truth, Pisces. This month is about communication, so tell your loved ones your deepest secrets. Sure, some people find toe-socks gross. Especially to sleep in. Definitely to swim in. But not you, and that’s what makes you special. You odd fish.
ARIES
You’ve really hit your stride, Aries. No, seriously – entering that 10K park run did you a world of good. Even if it was an accident. Getting swept out the café line waiting for your croissant was the best thing for you. Keep it up, the stars love the attitude.
TAURUS
Don’t do it Taurus. Don’t you dare hit that snooze button again. The stars say it’s time to snap back into your morning routine before it’s too late. Your boss didn’t notice those curry-stained PJs in your zoom meeting… this time. Thank God for glamour blur.
GEMINI
The stars can see you’re gagging to gossip, Gem. You’re practically turning blue from keeping it all in. So let it out. Tell your family about your new FWB. Tell your workmate about that Teams message. Tell the postman about his wife… just do it!
CANCER
Surprise, surprise. You’re on emotional little crab this month. But what is it this time? Having to wait for a new Housewives episode? The new SIX60 song? A job well done on a big project? You’re a wreck, but the stars say release the tears and use a tissue.
LEO
Woah, Leo – stop roaring. You’re too old for this. Just because people are annoying doesn’t mean you have to tell them. They’re just trying to ride the bus in peace, it’s not their fault the window seats are taken. Claws away, stop hissing, start breathing.
There’s your September stars. They’ve done what they can to get us through Mercury’s mess. The rest is up to you.
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