SASS FROM THE STARS - FEBRUARY 2020
With all these rainbow flags-a-flappin’ this February, the stars are feeling extra sassy. And whether it’s your kink or not, the cosmos are all set to tear you a new one. Are you ready?
Aquarius
Despite your cool-as-a-cucumber exterior, you’ve been a bit aggressive lately Aquarius. A five-minute wait for your coconut latte does NOT warrant a sigh of that magnitude! If you’re in an argument with anyone, it’s best you suck it up and say sorry. *Jeremy*.
Pisces
Damn Pisces. You’re on the warpath and aren’t taking any prisoners. Use this energy to get exactly what you want, no matter the cost. Cut in line. Run red lights. Frame someone if you have to. The stars are impressed with those gigantic balls you’ve grown.
Aries
You need to be more subtle Aries. Everything you ordered from bigleather.com arrived completely unwrapped. Judy next door just about had a heart attack. After all, it’s hard to conceal something of that particular shape and size. Anyway, enjoy!
Taurus
Another lonely Valentine’s? No surprises there. You’re married to your job and it’s hard for the stars to watch. That’s it – enough late nights. You’re a librarian for goodness sake. No one’s around to hear your ssshhhing after hours. Go home!
Gemini
Roses on your doorstep? Chocolates on your pillow? A beating heart on your desk at work? Looks like someone has a secret admirer. Careful Gemini, this one’s a biter. You need to identify who it is, then immediately file for a restraining order.
Cancer
You’re finally vindicated Cancer – proven right after all those doubts. But as good as it feels, you’ve got to stop saying ‘I told you so’. It’s very unbecoming. Especially when whispered in your brother’s ear after he’s left at the altar. Read the room!
Leo
Gosh you’ve been busy this month Leo. It’s time to slow down and press pause on your social life. You need a nap. After hearing the rumour Capricorn’s been spreading, you’ll be left off everyone’s invite list anyway. Sorry Leo, this one’s going to stick.
Virgo
Disappointing Valentine’s Virgo? What do you expect? You’ve been flogging a dead horse for the longest time now. And it wasn’t even alive to begin with. That farmer was neighing from the side of his mouth when he sold it to you. Why was a horse your Valentine anyway?
Libra
This is a powerful time of manifestation and your dreams are coming true, Libra. Although be aware, so are your nightmares. So look out for massive spiders with your Year 6 teacher’s face this month. And always check you’re wearing pants before you leave the house.
Scorpio
Ah my tough-shelled Scorpio. Feel like the world is on your shoulders lately? Well you’re terrible at asking for help, so that’s on you. But you’re also surrounded by losers, so the stars get it. Poor Scorpio. Looks like you’ll have to bottle this one up too.
Sagittarius
Everyone’s having a fat-wah on your shoulder this month and it’s very confusing for the stars. You typically give terrible advice Sagittarius! Maybe it’s your tough love and earthy approach they crave. Either way, time to stop hanging out with such saddos.
Capricorn
Have you been bored this month? You’ve got a scheming look in your eye and it’s a bit scary. Careful Capricorn – what Susie says of Sally says more about Susie than it does of Sally. And what the stars say of Susie is that she’s a god damn bitch.
After years of oppression, the LGBT+ community know how to lay it down with next-level fierceness. And the stars have picked up a thing or two. So this month, thank the stars for their wisdom and the gays for their sass. We all need it.