SASS FROM THE STARS - SEP 2020
The countdown to election day is ON. And as all-knowing, twinkling entities, there’s no surprises for the stars above. Nevertheless, they do enjoy the hype. So to make sure we all do our democratic duty, the stars have the hard word.
VIRGO
Named after the Virgin Mary, the stars see your Virgo values driving you towards the Vision Party. But in reality, the OG Madonna would have been a total greenie. Maybe you should take the quiz to see where you actually sit. Get some perspective.
LIBRA
Oh no Libra, the stars know how you dread decisions. Last time you ticked so many boxes your vote became void. This time, hit the voting booth with your mind made up. And if in doubt, go with Cindy. You’re such a follower anyway, it just makes sense.
SCORPIO
Dark, brooding, nonchalant – the stars always find you hard to peg Scorpio. Despite the system being broken, you just HAVE to weigh in. No one’s asking you to get inspired by lies and lofty promises. Just vote for whoever disappoints you the least.
SAGITTARIUS
What a total shit-stirrer Sagittarius. Pledging support for controversial politicians, parties and policies might make you feel clever. But the stars say you take yourself far too seriously to ever vote for anyone but National. So stop talking smack.
CAPRICORN
Traditional, stubborn and frankly a little boring – let’s face it Cap, there’s no surprises here. Two ticks blue every time. The stars aren’t even going to bother weighing in here. An unyielding old goat such as yourself wouldn’t listen anyway. Do you boo.
AQUARIUS
You’re so out of it and aloof, the stars reckon you haven’t even noticed there’s an election this year. You don’t give a damn, Aquarius. And that’s fine. Whether you decide to vote or not won’t have an impact either way. And neither will you *Jeremy*. Ever.
PISCES
Backing Billy might seem silly, Pisces. But the stars wouldn’t expect anything less from a suspicious, idealistic, conspiracy-loving fish like yourself. The stars say the Advance NZ Party will be gone by next election cycle. Whatever, it’s your vote. Make it count.
ARIES
Ah, Aries. So restless, so dynamic, so impatient. You love change for the sake of change. So the stars know you’ll be voting early to get it over with. The deeply confused look in David Seymour’s eyes really got to you. Go on. Throw a spanner.
TAURUS
Wow, you’ve been campaigning hard this year Taurus. Hopefully your efforts will pay off and New Zealand’s future will be a little greener for it. A little more dank too. The stars applaud you fighting the good fight. Get set to spark up in celebration.
GEMINI
Oh golly Gemini. What are you to do when one half of your inner twins want to vote for the Nats. And the other wants to go Green? The stars aren’t saying a thing. It’s gonna be another confusing vote from you this year. Pissing into the wind really.
CANCER
No guesses which way you’re leaning this year, you big sap Cancer. The stars say it’s all in the eyebrows. Not those thin, villainous ones raised high in the sky. Rather, the ones consistently drooping. Kind, sympathetic – like a puppy dog’s almost.
LEO
Everything about your personality just SCREAMS Crusher fan. You’re always up for a fight and love seeing Cindy get her ass handed to her. But for the same reason, you’ll probs back Winny. He reminds you of your racist grandfather. And that’s special.
Even after snoozing through the live debates, the stars love to see all the political pandemonium. And now that you have a steer on who to vote for, there should be no excuses for giving it a miss.