SASS FROM THE STARS - JUN 2020
Brace yourselves. Mercury is officially in retrograde and the energy is set to get funky. You know what that means? Breakups, blow ups, hook ups and screw ups. Not to worry. The stars are here to help.
Gemini
Woohoo it’s birthday season. But the stars say you’re set for a lonely one. You never got amongst anyone’s birthday drinks on HouseParty over lockdown. So you may end up singing Happy Birthday to yourself. Time to make it up to your mates, Gemini.
Cancer
Being made fun of Cancer? Sure, they laugh at you now when you say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to Siri. But when the robots take over, they’re sure to show you mercy. The stars say shake off any judgements. The uprising will happen sooner than we think.
Leo
Gosh Leo. You wasted no time in heading to the club when restrictions lifted. And just like old times, you were thrown out by 12. Have you no shame? Of course not. You’re far too vain. This month, pace yourself. Maybe you’ll last longer.
Virgo
Now you’re back in the office full time, the stars say it’s time to make up for your poor attempt at WFH. Between Zoom calls from bed and pretending your camera froze, it’s high time you up your game, Virgo. Your ceiling fan was still spinning BTW.
Libra
Late again, Libra? The stars say you should work on your punctuality. Not only is it incredibly rude, but there never seems to be any reason for it. This month, set an earlier alarm. Give yourself more time to sit on your bed in a wet towel doing nothing.
Scorpio
Wow you’ve been good this month. You got into some great habits over lockdown. Clean eating. Exercise. Even meditation. Your body really is a temple isn’t it Scorpio? Free entry and open to absolutely anyone. But if you’ve got it, flaunt it, right?
Sagittarius
Don’t listen to those haters Sagittarius. Just because Grandma thinks you’re looking a little chonky, doesn’t mean you need to do anything about it. The stars say keep getting extra cuddly. You’re sure to save on heating this Winter.
Capricorn
Feel a little out of sorts Cap? You did hit your head pretty hard when you fell off the table at the bar last week. Don’t remember? Well, the stars do - it was pretty bad. Watch your step and maybe leave the table-top dancing to the pros.
Aquarius
Look out Aquarius. This month is set to be filled with awkward moments. Breakups happening before your eyes. Matching your cousin on Tinder. Laxatives in your coffee. Gosh, the stars say you’re in for a bit of a sh!tter *Jeremy*. Prepare yourself.
Pisces
You good Pisces? The stars think you seem a little lost. Last week, it took twenty minutes to decide between Granny Smiths or Galas at the supermarket. You don’t even like apples? This month, focus on the task at hand. Starting with a shopping list.
Aries
You’re finally coming back down to Earth this month. And it’s a good thing too. The stars were pained to see you spreading conspiracies at the BK drive-through. Hold your tongue Aries. Men DO NOT grow breasts after eating the veggie patty, okay?
Taurus
You’ve been quite a little Karen lately Taurus. Reel it in. Just because those animal rescue volunteers couldn’t accept cash donations, doesn’t mean you should call their manager. Especially when you weren’t even going to donate anyway.
Well that’s your monthly sassing from the stars. They sure come down hard. But with an ego that big, you clearly needed to hear it.