SASS FROM THE STARS - DECEMBER 2021
Summer is coming in hot. And all of a sudden, Kiwis are all go. So as you scramble to the finish line with all your faith in a better 2022 – take a moment to get your summer sorted with the stars. They’ve got just the slip, slop and slap you need.
SAGITTARIUS
You’ve had a bad case of ants-in-your-pants for months now, Sag. And like a horse out the gate, or rather, a T-Rex escaping Jurassic Park – you’re ready for some fun in the sun. The stars say go wild. Bust sandcastles and wreak havoc like only you can.
CAPRICORN
You don’t fare well in a mall, do you Cap? The crowds, the rush, the queues – it’s all too much for a mermaid-goat like you. The stars say don’t bother this year. Your brawl at Kmart last Christmas Eve was one for the books…and the newspapers.
AQUARIUS
Forever mysterious, Aquarius, you seem to have lost your sense of self. Maybe because it was a hard year. Or maybe, there wasn’t much to lose in the first place, *Jeremy*. It’s time to dig deep on those “new year, new you” resolutions.
PISCES
While the world spins around you, the stars can’t help but notice you standing there, totally stagnant. Snap out of it, Pisces. You’ve got gifts to get, baking to do and most importantly, a bikini line to wax. It’s a bigger job than you think, so hop to it!
ARIES
Stop, Aries. Just stop. Look at your garage! It’s full of summer toys that you’ll never use: surfboard, wakeboard, volleyball net, stand up paddle board, blow up doll, blow up pool - you can’t even swim! The stars are cutting you off from online shopping.
Taurus
Tick tock, Taurus. The countdown is on and you haven’t got a single thing sorted. Anyone would think you’re banking on summer being cancelled this year. Nevertheless, reality will soon hit. And the stars will watch on in horror.
GEMINI
Shut it down, Gem. The stars say your social calendar is too stacked. Time to reverse some RSVPs. To be honest, your friends won’t mind. Like, at all. They’re still reeling over that time you wore white to a wedding and threw up on the groom.
CANCER
After months of cabin fever, the annual family camping trip just doesn’t have the same appeal, does it Cancer? Tell the fam to go without you and enjoy some downtime on your own. The stars say it’s in everyone’s best interests.
LEO
Somehow, the stars aren’t nearly as over Christmas carols as usual. Maybe it’s because we haven’t been mall dwelling as much. But they can always count on Christmas crazy Leos to turn it up. Go on. Spread that joy right through to 2022.
VIRGO
The stars know Boxing Day sales are your idea of hell. But to be honest, you really need some sh*t, Virgo. Transitioning to a minimalist way of life over lockdown left you high and dry. Does THAT spark joy? You better hope Santa’s kind this year.
LIBRA
Librans easily succumb to laziness. Especially over lockdown. But the suns out and you need to make up for lost time. The stars would tell you to set some summer goals. But you’ll ignore them. The only thing on your agenda? A beach nap.
SCORPIO
Don’t even bother trying to hide it you sick lil scorpion. The stars caught that wicked grin cross your face when RnV got cancelled. You weren’t even going ya sour puss! ‘Tis the season to be jolly, so stop delighting in the disappointment of others.
There you have it. You’ve been slipped, slopped and slapped by the stars – all to ensure a stunning summer for everyone. And as long as no one utters the phrase “2022 wiLl bE My YeAr” then maybe – just maybe, it will be.
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