THE REALITY SHOW NEXT DOOR

Ahhhh lockdown. It’s been three weeks since Jacinda announced the country were to stay indoors and so far, it’s been a pretty wild ride. 

With the big announcement, my move in date was moved up to the very next day. So with the help of a few friends, a rental trailer and what I’m sure was a bit of delirium, I set off over the bridge in my little green car, ready for my new life on the North Shore.  

Safely installed in my new surroundings, I was taking in all the swanky amenities my new pad had to offer. Fantastic new fridge, unbelievable new oven, swoon worthy views. It really was the best of a bad situation. 

But then I met the neighbours.  

Next door to us we have Billy, Shay and Lilo. 

Billy is 600 years old, 3-stone wet through and creaks when he walks. He shared his entire life story with me, all whilst continuously spilling his meal replacement shake on the floor. This explained why Lilo was constantly mopping their balcony. 

Shay has a tear drop tattoo and had suspiciously ‘been in Papua New Guinea’ when Billy and Lilo first moved in. It was later discovered ‘Papua New Guinea’ was a code word for prison. 

Lilo is Shay’s older girlfriend. She’s incredibly energetic and practically vibrates when she talks. She also screams at Shay a lot about her ‘being in this mess because of you’. The mess she’s referring to is possibly Billy’s meal replacement shake. I don’t like to speculate. 

Their dog, Hank, yaps 12/24 hours a day. Hank doesn’t discriminate. Morning, afternoon or night.  

The police have visited our neighbours 12 times in the last 14 days. They continue to have people over, despite warnings. They also shout a lot and smoke a lot of suspicious smelling rollies. Shockingly, we haven’t watched much tv. 

I wonder what the next 21 days will bring. You bring the popcorn, I’ll tell the tale…