SASS FROM THE STARS - MAR 2021

 

Considering it’s Pisces season, there’s a lot of frustration in the air. The stars say that’s on us – not the cosmos. So before you spontaneously burst into tears, throw a stapler or write a diss track, here’s some loving sass to keep you in check.


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PISCES

Poor Pisces. Locking down for your birthday month was rough. The stars know you had all sorts of exciting things planned for you and your friends. But to be honest, no one was all that keen for a trip to the zoo and dinner at Valentines anyway.


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ARIES

Where’s all this excess energy coming from, Aries? Wait, don’t answer that. While the rest of us are feeling beaten down and tired, perhaps keep the ants in your pants to yourself. No one cares how “incredible” running makes you feel – especially the stars.


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TAURUS

Mind your Zoom etiquette, Taurus. It’s one thing to put yourself on mute. It’s another to STAY on mute the entire meeting. Sitting there, eyes glazed, drooling. Almost as if you’re watching cake decorating videos in another tab. Hmmm… the stars are on to you.


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GEMINI

Jealousy is ugly on you, Gemini. Your eyes pucker like a cat’s behind and your skin turns apple-green. Especially when glaring at that over-achiever at work. Or your partner’s DMs. Or even children playing. The stars say watch out, the wind will change.


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CANCER

From endless family dinners during the week, to hot dates on the weekend – you’re spreading yourself too thin, Cancer. The stars warn you better slow down, or you’ll end up confused. You don’t want to get your date muddled with your grandpa. Again.


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LEO

Itching for attention, Leo? You’ve been searching for a stage. But everywhere you look, the starring role has been filled. The stars say it’s on you to create your own spotlight, wherever you are. The acoustics at most Bottle-Os are surprisingly good.


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VIRGO

Unlike many of us, Virgo, March is your month. Between that fancy new job, hot new squeeze and handy new air fryer – you’re living your best life. So why don’t you look that happy about it? The stars say lighten up on the Botox and crack a smile.


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LIBRA

Another broken promise to yourself, Libra. The stars would be disappointed, but you’re just so predictable. In fact, they all placed bets to see how long it would take you to quit Kundalini-CrossFit-Yoga. All in good fun, but no one’s winning here.


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SCORPIO

Wow Scorpio. You’ve been obsessed with motivational quotes lately — they’re everywhere. Taped to your mirror, shared on your story, tattooed on your ribs – the stars are gagging. But who are they to stop you living, laughing and loving?


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SAGITTARIUS

You must have the luck of the Irish on your side, Sagittarius. How you weren’t kicked out of the bar on St Patrick’s Day, the stars will never know. You were absolutely cooked! While your friends were highly ashamed, the stars were highly entertained.


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CAPRICORN

As fun as a five-year plan is – you’ve gotta set your sights lower. All work and no play makes Capricorns even duller than usual. The stars say it’s time to put the bach, the boat, and the waterslide on hold. Focus on the little things. Like getting a social life.


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AQUARIUS

Feeling a little unloved, Aquarius? The stars say it’s up to you to change that. You’ve just been looking for affection in all the wrong places. In order to find love, one must first open their heart to receiving it. Not their trousers, *Jeremy*.


Come on earthlings. Enough with the waterworks, the stars are only trying to help. Now that the air’s been cleared, you can unclench your fists, dry those tears and step into autumn without that chip on your shoulder. Thank God.


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