SASS FROM THE STARS - DEC 2020

Carols are on full blast and the Christmas spirit is suffocating us all. But before you hit the shops with your to-do list in tow, the stars have stocking filler suggestions that are sure to please even the fussiest family member. That’s you, Pamela.

SAGITTARIUS

Oh generous Sagittarius. You really embody Santa during the silly season. Only, you don’t have a factory of Elves to back you up. Instead, you put yourself into debt with all the love and good tidings. The stars say, reel it in. How about a spot of baking?

CAPRICORN

You’re no good at this Secret Santa business are you, Cap? Everyone always seems to guess which gift came from you. Probably because they’re always crap. But the stars aren’t having it this year. A Westfield gift card will be a welcome cop-out.

AQUARIUS

Surprise, surprise, Aquarius. The stars see you spending Christmas Eve at the mall with the other last-minute-Larrys. Your mother deserves better than an Elizabeth Arden Red Door pack from Farmers, Jeremy. Nobody looks forward to those.

PISCES

The stars love your handmade goodies, Pisces. But frankly, bath bombs make terrible gifts. Who even has a bath these days? When it just ends up as bubble-gum smelling muck, fizzing on the shower floor, it’s a bit underwhelming. This year, stick to soap.

ARIES

Some may say your approach to gift giving is selfish, Aries. But the stars are all for it. Giving your nearest and dearest gifts you’d enjoy yourself is not only caring – it’s cunning. Great Aunt Jill will love a bottle of tequila. And if not, surely she’ll share.

TAURUS

Want to keep it cheap this Christmas, Taurus? Head out to the garden and reap what you sowed over Lockdown Season One. Uncle John’s been so wound up, that wicked strain you’ve been growing on the down-low is sure to mellow him out.

GEMINI

While there’s nothing wrong with frugality, Gemini, you’re taking it too far this year. COVID may delay deliveries. But you can’t promise that gifts are in transit, knowing you’ll be doing all your Christmas shopping on Boxing Day. The stars call that tacky.

CANCER

Poor Cancer. You’ve put so much time and thought into your gifts this year. But according to the stars – none of your loved ones will be returning the favour. Right. Time to redirect the spirit of giving back to yourself. Go on, treat yourself.

LEO

Get it together, Leo. We don’t want a repeat of last year. The stars were screaming as they watched you wrap a bunch of random junk from around the house. Perhaps assemble some generous hampers. You’ve got some making up to do.

VIRGO

Meticulous Virgo, the stars see you’ve already sorted your Christmas shopping. Yet somehow, you still end up hitting the shops every weekend. Could it be, you enjoy seeing the chaos ensue, knowing you don’t need to be a part of it? That’s just sick.

LIBRA

Your heart’s in the right place, Libra. But you always make Christmas shopping far more difficult than it has to be. You just cannot make up your mind. The stars say enough – candles for everyone. Don’t bother smelling them. It’ll only confuse you.

SCORPIO

No one loathes the mall more than you, Scorpio. It’s like being a salmon swimming upstream. A polluted stream filled with motleys and saddos. Yuck. The stars suggest online shopping. Or some nice home-crafts perhaps? That way, no one gets hurt.

There you have it. You’ve been warned, guided and scolded by the stars – all to ensure a Merry Christmas for all. Let’s hope you don’t disappoint.