SASS FROM THE STARS - APRIL 2021
Birthdays get everyone a little hyper. Especially a certain horned zodiac. They say “where there’s smoke, there’s an Aries” – so when it’s their time to celebrate, there’s bound to be infernos galore. Luckily the stars have their fire extinguisher on standby.
ARIES
Time to party, Aries. And as per usual, you’ve left planning your bash to the very last-minute. Luckily your friends know what you’re like. They’re gearing up for a wild one at yours. The stars say stock up on cleaning supplies. It’s gonna be a hot mess.
TAURUS
Love is in the air, Taurus. If you’re in a relationship, the stars say it’s time to rediscover the spark. And if you’re single, it’s time to settle for whoever (or whatever) comes knocking next. Winter’s coming. Remember how cold it was last year?
GEMINI
You’ve been uncharacteristically quiet over the last month, Gemini. What’s up? It’s usually impossible to get a word in with that motor-mouth of yours. But the stars say keep it up. Your friends, neighbours and therapist are enjoying the peace.
CANCER
April has been a confronting time so far hasn’t it, Cancer? Difficult home-truths are staring you right in the face and it’s hard to swallow. How did it take you so long to realise? You don’t suit bangs. Like, at all. Sorry sweetie. The stars say “snip snip.”
LEO
Your enemies are closing in, Leo. The stars see that scheming co-worker taking all the credit. The driver that steals your park every morning is getting up extra early. Even the old lady who feeds your cat has an agenda. Watch yourself, Leo. Danger lurks.
VIRGO
Up struggle street this month, Virgo? The stars aren’t surprised. For someone so frugal, you sure have splurged a lot lately. New wardrobe, new gadgets, new at-home-sauna. Those daytime infomercials really got you this time. Get a job!
LIBRA
You should be ashamed of yourself, Libra. Easter made you into a total animal. The stars have never seen anything like it. The amount of chocolate you ate is one thing. But the way you ate it was just disturbing. Show some respect, it’s a religious holiday.
SCORPIO
Something’s brewing, Scorpio. Change is on the horizon and the stars fear you aren’t ready. It will force you out of your comfort zone – and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. So when the demolition company comes knocking, get out of the way.
SAGITTARIUS
Damn you’ve been busy, Sagittarius. It’s time to take a break. The stars say you look rougher than ever. So whether you need to cancel plans with friends, throw a sickie at work or skip Great Aunt Margo’s funeral – book in some me-time STAT.
CAPRICORN
Come on now, Capricorn. You’ve gotta move on. The stars say those pass-agg comments and menacing glares haven’t gone unnoticed. While it’s not fair your nieces and nephews got more Easter eggs than you – it’s not their fault, so back off.
AQUARIUS
The stars sense your desperation from light years away, Aquarius. Get a grip. Quit waiting for replies on Tinder, your bio just isn’t selling it. You’re a unique catch, best experienced in-person. Except you *Jeremy*. You should probably hire a copywriter.
PISCES
Venus is on your side, Pisces. But that doesn’t mean you should go looking for love. Let the suitors come to you. The stars warn your usual approach is flawed. Standing in the street holding a balloon and a sign that says ‘single’ won’t get you anywhere.
Aries season always leaves us on high alert. Luckily, the stars came through with just the wisdom you need to put out the fires before they start.
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