SASS FROM THE STARS - SEPTEMBER 2021
Standards have certainly slipped around here. Dishes piled high. Fridge creeping with mould. Unruly facial hair on both men and women alike. Not to worry, the stars are here to help you embrace spring and clean up your act.
VIRGO
You’re finally on top of all that heinous housework. The place is sparkling and nothing pleases you more. But wait, the stars see a messy belated birthday party on its way. Expect confetti, silly string, a piñata – anything that makes your Virgo blood crawl.
LIBRA
Librans are blessed with angelic faces and cursed with demonic tongues. And yours has been wagging to an unholy extent this month. The stars say no one likes a gossip. It’s time to wash your mouth out with soap. And a few Hail Marys wouldn’t hurt.
SCORPIO
You spent your life building a badass reputation, Scorpio. But since you joined, users have been leaving Twitter in droves. The stars are here to remind you, it’s ‘social media’, not ‘anti-social media’. Tone it down. The world can’t handle your sting.
SAGITTARIUS
The stars understand sitting in your car is your only escape right now. But it’s a damn mess after all that time weeping at the steering wheel and devouring snacks like a pelican. And your family is always wondering where you are. Sssh, our little secret.
CAPRICORN
It started with a single plate left unwashed in the sink. Now it’s war with no end in sight. That pile is huge! The stars say your household needs to grow up, Capricorn. You’re as stubborn as each other, but someone has to make the first move.
AQUARIUS
Feeling a little lonely? That’s not like you, Aquarius. Solitude is normally your best friend. The stars say it’s time to get creative to feel connected. Maybe put a “honk if your horny” sign outside your house. Not you *Jeremy*. You did this to yourself.
PISCES
Oh dreamy, Pisces. How filthy your mind has become. Every night it’s like a Mills & Boon novel playing out in your head, only way more gross. The stars say you better mind your before-bed consumption. ‘Too Hot to Handle’ is making you a little freaky.
ARIES
As the firecracker of the cosmos, you’ve struggled with all this lockdown business the most, Aries. You’re just waiting for freedom. Or at least a walk, sitting at the front door like a puppy. The stars are here to remind you, a watched pot never boils.
Taurus
You’re the only Zodiac that really thrives in these homebody conditions, Taurus. All that time in the garden has been very cathartic. But the stars know you’re only “de-weeding” now so you can start “re-weeding” in time for summer. Hmmmm.
GEMINI
Put the phone down, Gem. The stars know you’re a social creature, and the last month has been tough. But you’ve got to take a break from FaceTime. Especially when you go to the bathroom. Or at least mute yourself and turn your camera off.
CANCER
Wake up, Cancer. Life’s not a movie. The way you narrate everything you do is not normal. Who do you think you are, Carrie Bradshaw? Your nearest and dearest are too scared to tell you to your face. But the stars aren’t. SHUT THE HELL UP.
LEO
Trackpants every day. A shower every other. Hair with enough grease to make gravy. Oh, Leo. You’re usually our glamourpuss zodiac, are you okay? The stars say it’s high time you scrubbed up and get groomed – before you forget how to…forever.
Feeling inspired to take a shower? Finally! The stars can smell you a million lightyears away. It’s easy for things to get a bit grubby when we’re locked-down. But the longer you leave it, the longer the stench will linger. You’re welcome.
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