SASS FROM THE STARS - JUNE 2022
Everyone thinks they’re an expert these days. We self-diagnose at the drop of a snivel, give advice like seasoned psychiatrists and roar Livin’ on a Prayer with no regard for anyone’s ears. That’s enough. This June the stars say stay in your lane.
GEMINI
Whoever, wherever, whyever – Geminis love to talk. But being a chatty Cathy doesn’t make you a professional speaker. What’s your seminar even about? How have you tricked people into attending? And are you sure four hours isn’t overkill?
CANCER
Listen, Cancer – you aren’t a dog whisperer. As much as you think you understand his twitching eyebrows, haven’t you noticed Boris feverishly bum shuffling everywhere he goes? The stars say get de-worming tablets before your carpet gets wrecked.
LEO
That’s it, the stars say enough Real Housewives. You’re beginning to turn into one. Stirring the pot any chance you get, hoping to get a table-flipping-rise out of someone. Leave Grandma alone, Leo. A family reunion is not the time, nor the place.
VIRGO
For Virgos, a messy house = a messy mind. But the stars say you’ve gone too far. Your friend invited you round to catch up, not clean up. Surely you realise they can hear the vacuum blaring whenever you “go to the bathroom”? Control your sick urges.
LIBRA
Another month, another aesthetic is it, Libra? The stars say your latest tastes have heads turning for all the wrong reasons. That garbage-chic thing you’ve got going on is a little less chic and a little more garbage. Oh well. Time to absorb another trend.
SCORPIO
Clever as you are, Scorpio – you’re no shrink. Stop labelling your enemies with personality disorders you discover watching con-shows on Netflix. The stars reckon you’re the common denominator. Less finger-pointy and more mirror-looky.
Sagittarius
Karaoke can be painful at the best of times. But the way you hog the mic is incredibly grating. Even the shyest Shelly would hop on stage to takeover. While the stars agree you have star quality yourself, Sag – you can’t sing for sh*t. Pass the mic sweetie.
CAPRICORN
Not just anyone can drive a bus. That doesn’t stop you from back-seat driving does it, Cap? Yes, some drivers can come in hella-hot on the corners. But they’ve trained for this. The stars say stop screeching “brrreeeaaak” at every turn and sit your ass down.
AQUARIUS
Laying a driveway can be complicated, Aquarius. As simple as that YouTube tutorial made it seem, the stars don’t trust you with a jackhammer. You’ve opened a pit into hell bigger than when you dumped your ex, *Jeremy*. Call a paver… and a priest.
PISCES
You may feel aligned body and soul – but the stars reckon your mind needs a tune up. Blowing all your dough on crystals and Tarot cards is one thing. Giving unsolicited readings to randos in the street is another. Less love and light please, Pisces.
ARIES
Ever since buying that air fryer you’ve fancied yourself quite the chef, Aries. But the stars warn, just because you can fry it doesn’t mean you should. You’ve served up roast salmonella with a side of black greens one too many times. Get that oven on.
TAURUS
Question, Taurus… where did you get your law degree? The stars wanna know why you feel qualified to give legal commentary on the Johnny/Amber shitshow all over TikTok? Entertaining as it is, the blazer isn’t fooling anyone. Neither’s the wig.
We’re all good at different things. Some of us build skyscrapers. Others talk smack with the stars. So embrace what you’re good at, upskill what you’re not – and leave the rest to the experts. YouTube tutorials only get you so far.
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