SASS FROM THE STARS - JULY 2022
Whew, that new moon had everyone feeling a little dark. Especially with all the overly emotional Cancerian vibes hanging about. The stars say it’s time to step into the light and shake off the shade. But first, here’s a little shade of their own.
CANCER
What’s with the binoculars, Cancer? The stars see your curiosity has been piqued by the comings and goings over the fence. Just remember, curiosity killed the cat. And so will your neighbour if you don’t stop peeping. Think of Mittens.
LEO
It’s time to heal those rifts, Leo. It’s not healthy to harbour grudges. Especially primary school squabbles. It’s been decades and Susie cutting the lunch line is rearing its ugly head on yours. Seriously, that frown line is deep. The stars say let it go.
VIRGO
Feeling vulnerable, Virgo? Good. The stars say it’s time to get in touch with your inner saboteur and have a chat about where you’ve gone wrong in the past. Starting with the body in the backyard. The stars will always know what you did last summer.
LIBRA
You’re finally amped and ready to ask for a pay rise, Libra. You’ve been umm-ing and err-ing outside your boss’ office since 2019. It’s quite pathetic, really. The stars say buck up, strut into that meeting and demand your worth. Don’t-ask-don’t-get, right?
SCORPIO
Flattie used all the hot water again? Work mate nicked the last Nespresso pod? Mum making fun of your sudden weight gain? The stars are tired of you biting your tongue. You’re a Scorpio FFS, not a Libran. Give it to ‘em straight, scathing and full of sass.
Sagittarius
The stars see a trip in your future, Sag. Where to? That’s up to you. Although, your options are pretty limited given you’re on the no-fly list. Perhaps a jaunt to the Tron? Or a trip to the naughty north? Banned there too? Hmmm the stars can’t help you.
CAPRICORN
Ooooooo someone’s feeling romantic. Your partner sure will be happy. This past month was less like living with a lover and more like flatting with a goat. The stars expect that from a Cap. But it’s time to stop chewing grass and start chewing face.
AQUARIUS
Wow someone’s looking toned. What’s your secret, Aquarius? The stars know spin class certainly isn’t your thing with all those saddle sores. Whatever it is, it’s working. Just remember a hot bod is no replacement for a good personality, *Jeremy*.
PISCES
The stars say grow a backbone, Pisces. Stop saying ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no’. People are taking the piss. Seeing you dressed as a clown at your friend’s cousin’s son’s best friend’s birthday was just embarrassing. You’re a fish, get slippery!
ARIES
That diet of yours is looking a little beige, Aries. The stars aren’t here to judge, but they see a nasty bout of scurvy hitting hard and fast. Diversify your diet, remove Uber Eats from speed dial and pick up a carrot. They’re the orange ones, by the way.
TAURUS
We get it, you went to France once. But no one’s buying the accent you picked up. The stars say stop starting every sentence with “how-do-you-say” – directly before saying your intended sentence in perfect English. Although the beret is magnifique.
GEMINI
Look at you and all those DIYs around the home – your creative juices are really flowing this month, Gem. But the stars say they aren’t the only juices flowing. All that crafting is working up quite a sweat. You can’t smell it, but the rest of us sure can.
Ouch, they don’t hold back, do they? But with their sassy scolding out of the way, the stars are excited to see us hop on our high horses and ride through July with the baddassery the world deserves. Giddy up.
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