SASS FROM THE STARS - JANUARY 2024
The stars kept a close eye on you over the holidays. Such fun you’ve had! Especially you, sordid Scorpio. But it’s time to get back to business. So to keep the good times going, here’s some blessings to bring back from your break.
CAPRICORN
Sensible, yet stubborn Cap, the stars say you should keep up that slow roadie pace. You’re a menace on your morning commute! Leave early and make stops on the way. You’ll arrive less stressed, coffee in hand – without flipping the bird even once.
AQUARIUS
As the water-bearer, you need more H20 than most. But since you’ve returned to the office, the stars say your hydration prioritisation has slipped. And with all that air con, you’re wearing it on your face. Not so hot now are ya, *Jeremy*?
PISCES
While the stars know you were upset when your phone was taken by the tide - life off grid was actually good for you. There’s a renewed sense of clarity and focus, severely untypical of a dreamy Pisces. So, maybe hold off buying a new one?
ARIES
The beach certainly is your friend, Aries. All that time building sandcastles took care of all those nasty, dry callouses you acquired at your keyboard last year. The stars recommend keeping a bit of sand at your desk to keep your natural crustiness at bay.
TAURUS
You barely picked up a book all 2023. Then the new year hit and all-of-a-sudden, you’re Hermione Granger. Well, maybe not given Colleen Hoover is your favourite author. But the stars say keep it up Taurus. It’s keeping that bull brain of yours young.
GEMINI
No one loves the social season like a Gemini. But over summer, the only friends you attracted were mosquitos. Your coconut moisturiser is so pungent, it keeps everyone away. The stars reckon it could help you stay more productive at work.
CANCER
Wow, you’ve really enjoyed spreading the New Year cheer, Cancer. But after January, it gets a little old. The stars say 2024 will be the year you finally find your own catchphrase. Start experimenting to see what sticks and what triggers eyerolls.
LEO
Your powers of persuasion are next level, Leo. Poor Mr Whippy was putty in your hands. How did you score two double-choc-dipped cones with six flakes – on the house? The stars say, try your new negotiating strategy on all work deadlines.
VIRGO
You can be quite reserved at the best of times. But this summer, you were queen of the conga line! Maybe it was the holiday vibes. Or perhaps the constant flow of piña coladas? Either way, bring that energy to your next meeting and make it a party.
LIBRA
After building a name as everyone’s fav pushover, the stars say expect a new Libra in 2024. Scrappy, assertive and surprisingly scary - fish and chips at the beach has never been so chaotic. You really showed that one-legged seagull who’s boss.
SCORPIO
That nude beach really ruined you, Scorpio. The stars KNOW you didn’t slip, slop, slap OR wrap. At least you have that after-sun care down. If only you could apply aloe vera to those sick burns from your boss. Lucky you’ve formed a thick, crusty skin.
Summer doesn’t stop until the stars say it does. So take your blessings from the break and keep the good times going through 2024. They’ll be here, watching, guiding and judging as always. May as well put on a good show, right?
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