SASS FROM THE STARS - JANUARY 2022
Red-light-ready or not, the new year is well underway. So as our backs begin to peel and our NY resolutions are quickly forgotten, the stars are here to snap us out of holiday mode. First step, play Britney’s ‘Work B*tch’ on repeat until it sinks in.
CAPRICORN
You’re a total creature before coffee, Cap. In fact, you’re still not right after two or three. So before you grunt your way into work, get your caffeine fix sorted. The stars suggest a quadruple shot with a splash of vanilla. You need some sweetening up.
AQUARIUS
Oh poor, Aquarius. There’s no mute button in real life. You’re going to have to tune out your nasally boss the old-fashioned way. Stick your fingers in your ears, close your eyes and say “lalalalalala”. The stars think this is a stellar career move, *Jeremy*.
PISCES
Head in the clouds, Pisces? New year, same you. Being back at the coalface hasn’t quite sunk in yet. But your job won’t do itself. The stars suggest a few slaps across the face to bring you back to Earth. Ask any colleague. They’re sure to oblige.
ARIES
PSA to all Zodiacs – Aries are back on their 8am commute to work. So it might be best to catch the bus. The stars know how violent you can get behind the wheel, ya wild old goat. So before you go all Cruella de Vil in rush hour, count to ten, ten times over.
Taurus
Ready to reignite your old office rivalries? Of course you are, ya big bully-bull. You spent your entire break scheming and dreaming up new ways to make your office culture a warzone. The stars would shun you if it weren’t so entertaining. Fire away.
GEMINI
Getting your way at work is much easier from the office, isn’t it Gem? The mute button renders your powers of persuasion useless online. But there’s no escape at the water cooler. The stars say get set to use that gift of gab to delegate once more.
CANCER
Made a spectacle at last year’s Christmas do, Cancer? The stars say you need to stop hiding in the elevator. You’ve got work to do. Plus, every time the doors close, the whole floor erupts with laughter. Time to face the music and move on.
LEO
Bad hair days are no excuse for not showing up, Leo. Vain about your mane as you are – that email you sent your boss was the talk of the cosmos. “Hair’s a mess, won’t be in today.” Really? You’re on thin ice. The stars suggest buying a wig just in case.
VIRGO
Aren’t you the hardest working little busy bee in the hive, Virgo? There’s a rumour going round that you didn’t actually leave the office over the Christmas break. The stars say play it cool. Also, that sleeping bag under your desk could do with a wash.
LIBRA
This is an intervention, Libran. Your tanning addiction is out of control. As soon as lunch hits, you’re lathered up and sizzling yourself silly on the office deck. By the way, the stars say those speedos are two sizes too small. HR may be in touch.
SCORPIO
Have some shame, Scorpio. Following the red light announcement, you just couldn’t hide your happy dance when everyone was asked to WFH. The stars say be mindful of who’s watching. Anyone would think you don’t like being back in the office…
Sagittarius
Oh sweaty, Sag. You desperately need a desk fan. There’s an endless stream running from your forehead and it’s messing with your tech. The stars say pop that laptop in some rice STAT. Plentiful perspiration isn’t covered in your office insurance policy.
Whether you’re back and better than ever, or still ignoring emails left right and centre – it’s time to make work werk. The stars won’t accept anything less. Now get out there and do Britney proud.
LIKING SASS?
Get more stuff like this, monthly with Hunchmail.