Sass from the stars - September
SPRING iS TRYING TO SPRING. GET ON WITH IT.
With all this Virgo energy in the air, everyone’s been playing it safe. And the stars are dead bored. So, as we step into October, let us take the stick out of our collective ass, and heed the sass from the stars.
Virgo
You’ve been more perfectionist than usual Virgo. The stars say put the toothbrush down. You can’t expect to single-handedly clean every surface of the planet. Let go a little. Wanna know something gross? Phones are dirtier than toilets.
Libra
The stars see a white circle around your head. Is it a crown? A halo? Sorry Libra, it’s more likely a toilet bowl. Your stomach is in knots and you’re about to be running at both ends. This October, be ready to run before the runs beat you to it.
Scorpio
Incognito mode might hide your outlandish search history from your boss. But the stars see everything. No Scorpio, the Earth is not flat. No, Brad and Jen are not back together. And yes, dogs can get thrush. This October, take a break from the internet.
Sagittarius
It’s time to start saying YES to life. YES, you want to go out on a Tuesday. YES, you would like a piece of cake with your coffee. This October say YES. Except to the shady guy in the club offering you a line. You learned about drugs in primary school.
Capricorn
Wow Capricorn. You don’t look so fresh. It’s not the middle ages. You can take a bath more than once a year. And do you know you can get three pairs of undies for $5 at Kmart? Treat yourself so you don’t have to keep reusing this October.
Aquarius
Been feeling a bit shy lately? That’s set to change. Life’s about to thrust you into the spotlight and you’re gonna love it. The stars say it’s your time to step up and shine. Except for you Jeremy, you Aquarian asshole. You can just stay home.
Pisces
What’s with all the mysterious packages being delivered lately? Your flatties are starting to think you’re a drug dealer. But the stars know better. Consider this an intervention Pisces. You need to get control on your online shopping addiction.
Aries
Look at you Aries! Down-to-earth, calm…grounded even. Is it those barefoot walks across the park? Morning meditations? Switching to natural deodorant? Whatever it is, it’s gone too far. You smell like dirt. This October, embrace chemicals.
Taurus
Alright enough, Taurus. The stars know those election signs are a little over-the-top. And it does seem like they’re multiplying at an alarming rate. But you have to stop tagging every sign you pass, you’re a grown up now, ya bloody hooligan.
Gemini
For someone who prides themselves on communication, you really need to work on your email etiquette Gemini. Repeating ‘as per my last email’ is totally pass-ag. And it’s especially confusing in the first email you send someone. Stop it.
Cancer
You’ve been doing some crazy driving recently. All over the road, in the gutter and right through the neighbour’s fence. You even took out a couple of cyclists last week. The stars say keep your phone in the glovebox this October.
Leo
What’s your end game here Leo? The flowy white robes, repetitive chanting to the sun and a flock of fools following your every move…have you started a cult? Enjoy it while it lasts. You can’t hide that insufferable ego for much longer.
That’s your monthly sassing from the stars. And we make no apology for the extra spicy sauce. But you needed something to get you fired up. And the stars are all too happy to oblige.