SASS FROM THE STARS: NOVEMBER

Cosmic clapback and otherworldly wisdom.

Something dark loomed over us last month. Maybe it was losing the rugby. Or maybe it’s because Mercury has been both in retrograde AND in Scorpio – the bitchiest constellation in the galaxy. Hold tight. Our in-house-medium is on her good side.

Scorpio

Watch out world. You are on a spectacularly high horse right now and you’re taking no prisoners. We’re all quaking in our boots. And as deadly as your sting can be, we all know your heart is gold. Cold, rock-hard and heavy. Lighten the f*ck up Scorpio.

Sagittarius

Damn Sagittarius. You can’t resist checking yourself out in every reflection you pass. Shop windows, puddles, even spoons. You’re really feeling yourself this month aren’t you? Well frankly, no one else is. Now hurry up and finish your cereal.

Capricorn

Despite your cool, calm, collected (boring) exterior, you’ve been pretty wild this month. Wheelies in the supermarket carpark. Shots at the bar after work. Going commando. Gosh how daring. Keep it up Capricorn. The stars are loving it.

Aquarius

Wow you’ve been on a roll lately. There’s always a park when you need one. You won $5 on that scratchie. No one’s commented on your breath. How lovely! But your luck has run out. The truth is, kissing you is like kissing a dog, Jeremy, you Aquarian a-hole.

Pisces

Hey Pisces, do you get a frog in your throat when you have something to say, but can’t bring yourself to say it? Was that a ‘yes’ or a ‘ribbit’? It’s time to stand in your power and speak your truth. The stars think you’ve been a total wimp. It’s not sexy.

Aries

Listen Aries, you are in serious need of some me-time. Not because you have to recharge your batteries away from everyone else, but because everyone else needs a break from your shit. The stars say, give the world a break. Stay home this November.

Taurus

So far, 2019 has been a total bunch of arse hasn’t it, Taurus? Not to worry. After a year of broken promises, undesirable rashes, identity theft and a string of traffic fines, the stars are finally on your side. YAAASSSS TAURUS. Let the good times roll.

Gemini

You must learn to let things go Gemini. You’ve been holding on to so much, it’s affecting your intestines and blocking you right up. Time to focus on releasing that anger and forgiving all those who have wronged you. Your bowels will thank you.

Cancer

We get that you’re a bit of an introvert, Cancer. But too much time alone at home isn’t good for anyone. I mean it’s nice, the stars get it. Hygiene can take a backseat. Self-loving can take a front one. But enough is enough. Go get some Vitamin D.

Leo

Oh, poor lion. Overworked, hyper stressed and a bit screechy. When will you learn to take it easy? Take one cleansing breath in. Affirm I am the most fabulous of the star signs. Feel calmer? Good. Now stop bloody roaring at everyone. It’s unbecoming.

Virgo

Well, well, well. Haven’t you chilled out since your last sassing? The stars are impressed with your newfound Zen. Although, you did almost fall asleep at the wheel last week. Don’t smoke and drive buddy. You’re too chilled for your own good.

Libra

Look at you go Libra. New wardrobe, hairstyle, fitness routine. Even a bikini wax. Who’s the lucky guy/gal/dolphin? Don’t get carried away. It will take a lot more than that to makeover that flaky personality of yours, so maybe focus on that instead.

Gosh the stars were a bit nitpicky this month. Alas, it’s what we all needed to hear. Your parents may have called you special when you were young, but the stars don’t buy into that BS.