SASS FROM THE STARS - JAN 2020
It’s the dawn of a new decade, and the stars are full of hope for us Earth dwelling wallies. But that doesn’t mean they’re going to be nice. In fact, they really have a bee in their intergalactic bonnet this month. Let’s see what awaits.
Capricorn
New Year’s resolutions always seem like a good idea at the time. But the stars are already placing bets on when you’ll throw in the towel. Quit buying clothes that are too small. It doesn’t have the motivational effect you expect it to Capricorn.
Aquarius
What an active summer you’ve been having Aquarius. The stars are exhausted just watching you. Surfing, abseiling, pretend Quidditch. What fun! Enjoy it while it lasts. You’re in for a shitter of a year. But you had it coming and you know it *Jeremy*.
Pisces
Poor Pisces. All it takes is one little brat stomping on your sandcastle and your whole summer is ruined. But the stars say it’s time to let it go. He was five years old for goodness sake. And your reaction was way over the top. Borderline illegal in fact.
Aries
The stars sense your hunger for riches Aries and would like to congratulate you on finding the perfect side hustle! He seems lovely. Not to mention loaded and a tad daft, just like you deserve. Keep playing the fool you sifty ol’ ram.
Taurus
Oooh! What a saucy summer you’re having Taurus. Who was that you were kissing on New Year’s Eve? You really made a meal out of them. On one hand you were totally punching, so nice work. On the other, the stars recommend getting checked. STAT.
Gemini
Started 2020 on the wrong foot? You’ve been causing conflict all over the place. Just because dairy gives you the shits, doesn’t mean that poor barista deserved to wear your coffee. Sort out that short fuse of yours Gemini. The stars suggest a muzzle.
Cancer
Well, well, well, look who’s coming out of their crab shell? How cute. But listen Cancer, it’s nice you’re getting more comfortable around others, but the stars think your stories are kind of boring. Eeek, maybe that shell of yours wasn’t so bad.
Leo
Wow Leo. You really stirred the pot over the break didn’t you? Your family is still mad about the Secret Santa squabble and aren’t sure they’ll include you next time. This month, spend some time kissing ass and hope Great Aunt Barb makes a full recovery.
Virgo
You’ve taken this whole ‘new year new me’ to an all new extreme Virgo. Odd socks? Dinner on the couch? Perineum sunning? Who even are you now? The stars are incredibly confused. Not to worry, it’s definitely an improvement.
Libra
Gosh you absolutely wrecked yourself over New Years. The doctors have been talking about you ever since your trip to A & E. But the stars have little sympathy. When will you ever learn? No matter how many drinks you have, you cannot twerk Libra!
Scorpio
While your vow to suppress the sass this year is noble, you’re letting complete idiots run circles around you. The stars warn you’ll give yourself an aneurism if you keep holding back your sting. You’re a Scorpio. It’s what you were put on Earth to do.
Sagittarius
Broke after the holidays? Classic Sagittarius. The stars say you’ve got to get your spending fits under control this month. They see all those late-night dashes to Kmart. Consumerism is killing the planet and you don’t need any of that junk in your trolley.
Gosh the stars aren’t holding back in 2020. But we can’t live in new year bliss forever. And the sooner we’re brought back down to Earth, the sooner we can cancel our gym memberships.