SASS FROM THE STARS - OCT 2020

Nothing like a celebration of haunts and hell to distract us from the waking nightmare that is 2020. So to get into the spooky spirit, the stars have some advice on what to wear and what to watch out for this All Hallows’ Eve.

LIBRA

Woohoo. Slutty-season is upon us and the stars know it’s your time to shine. But why not do something truly shocking? Cover up that rockin’ bod, hide those assets and try a little more modesty. Your loved ones will be terrified by this radical change.

SCORPIO

Ah Scorpio, you do love Halloween. A time to honour the long line of witches you hail from and embrace the darkest night of the year with flair. Grab your broom, head to the roof and take flight into the night. Just don’t blame the stars if you get hurt.

SAGITTARIUS

Yikes Sagittarius. The stars say you’ve been through the wringer. From missing your holiday abroad, getting banned from NZ’s last Video Ezy and a surprise bout of scurvy, 2020’s been hard on you. And it shows. No costume required. You’re good.

CAPRICORN

As smiling psychopaths, Capricorns are the perfect fit to pull off tiger queen and husband murderer, Carole Baskin. Throw on some leopard print, get yourself a flower crown and put your man on a leash. But if he goes missing, we’ll know who to blame.

AQUARIUS

With those genes, every day is Halloween for you, Aquarius. You look dead on the inside and smell like you are too, *Jeremy*. The stars say you should save yourself the hassle and go as Prince Phillip. Or a raisin. Whatever, it’s just another day for you.

PISCES

As both a fish and a water sign, the stars will only accept one Halloween costume from you Pisces. WAP. Okay, it sounds difficult. But you’d be surprised by what you can achieve with some pink fabric, hot glue, a bucket and a mop. Go on, make it rain.

ARIES

You’re the devil in disguise year-round, Aries. So why should Halloween be any different? Make the most of this hellish holiday to wreak havoc on your enemies. Stock up on toilet paper (again) and let those horns shine bold and bright.

TAURUS

Your total lack of grooming means your costume options are endless, Taurus. Between a wardrobe of ripped clothes and your general overall hairiness – a werewolf costume would be easy. Or with those brows, you’d make a fine Frida.

GEMINI

Let’s face it Gem, your split personalities can never agree on a costume. The stars say, “embrace it”. How about Harvey Dent? Professor Quirrell from the first Harry Potter? Party in the front. Business in the back. Or, your two-faced self will also suffice.

CANCER

The stars know you’re a crafty crab, Cancer. So scroll through your Pinterest mood board and bust out the paper mâché – this year, you’re going all out. No one will know what the heck you are, but that just makes it all the spookier. Yay creativity!

LEO

You’ve got the look, the attitude and the delusion that people care. Now all you need is the costume. Hmmm, something with power, presence and ‘Leo energy’. How about Roald Dahl’s most feared antagonist – Miss Trunchbull. Iconic, and a perfect fit.

VIRGO

Ah modest Virgo, there’s only two ways to play Halloween. The stars know you’re not the ‘hot nurse’ type. So what about a nun? Dust off that chastity belt, do up your top button and throw on your habit. Or…why not sex it up? You wouldn’t be the first.

There you have it, your 2020 costume inspiration from the stars. They may have been a bit bitchy, but their cosmic hearts are in the right place. For once, they don’t want you to look like a fool.