We’ve moved to level 2 just in time for Taurus season. But before you get too buck wild, the stars have some advice for your grand return to normalcy.

Taurus

Oh Taurus, the stars knew your insatiable shopping hobby would consume you. “I really shouldn’t,” you’d tell yourself, before clicking ‘add to cart’ for the umpteenth time. Finally, it’s time to get dolled up and show everyone what you’ve been up to.

Gemini

Well done Gemini. You finally found the time for a little side-hustle. Who would have thought selling pictures of your feet online would be so lucrative? Certainly not the stars. They’ve seen your feet. They’re shocked at how much you’re charging.

Cancer

You developed a set of green thumbs over lockdown Cancer. The stars are impressed with your carefully tended flower beds, vege gardens and potted plants. But not so much your hedge trimming. That cypress tree is rather phallic. Time to call an expert.

Leo

Poor extroverted Leo. None of your friends want to catch up now we’re in Level 2. They seem to like you better over Zoom. Once you get used to the mute button, it’s hard to go back. The stars say keep up the online communication this May.

Virgo

Out of all the signs, the stars knew this would be hardest on you Virgo. But despite your innate fear of germs, you actually thrived. It will be hard going back to a world where 79.8% of men don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom.

Libra

The stars warn not to get ahead of yourself Libra. Those corn husk dolls you’ve been making over lockdown will not prove a fruitful business. Move them away from the window before someone calls the council. They’re creeping out the neighbourhood.

Scorpio

A Scorpio that’s been locked up for months is like a pent-up volcano ready to blow. The stars suggest lining up a date ASAP – maybe a Leo or a Taurus to match your animalistic urges *and those noises you make*. Use a safe word. They’ll need it.

Sagittarius

Alright Sag, the stars say it’s high time to tai ho on the grog. It’s not your soul responsibility to keep Glengarry in business. Although it may have been *slightly* more acceptable over lockdown, we all know that ain’t coffee in your keep-cup.

Capricorn

For someone so down to Earth, things sure got out of control in your bubble. It was getting a little ‘Lord of the Flies’ in there. And frankly, you were not at the top of the food chain. The stars say a family counselling session is in order. Your kids are WILD.

Aquarius

Jeremy I SWEAR TO GOD karma is coming in HOT. The stars see a clenched fist moving quickly towards your nose. As for the rest of you Aquarians, May is the time to apologies to anyone you may have offended. Or lied to. Or cheated on.

Pisces

Gosh Pisces, haven’t you been active on social lately? The stars say it’s time to cut it out. News flash – none of your friends want in on your little pyramid scheme. The products are questionable and your tactics stink. Good luck getting that Mercedes.

Aries

No one appreciates freedom quite like you do Aries. Except for maybe the other people in your bubble. Level 2 couldn’t come soon enough for your poor significant other. You weren’t just cruising for a bruising. You were askin’ for a Baskin’.

Well, it’s time to get out there and enjoy life at the next level. But heed the scolding of the stars. There’s always one A-hole who screws it up for the rest of us.

SASS FROM THE STARS - MAY 2020