SASS FROM THE STARS - JUL 2020
So far, 2020 has been a total write-off. Luckily it’s Matariki – the Māori new year. That means we get a fresh start. With all eyes catching clusters in the sky, the stars are loving the extra attention. As always, they’re ready to set us straight.
CANCER
After a month of birthday shenanigans, it’s time to play it sensibly, Cancer. Do your taxes. Read a book. Maybe go to church. You’ve got at least 100 Hail Marys to say. Even then, it might not be enough. The stars are both impressed and appalled.
LEO
You seemed a little offended when asked if you were doing Dry July, Leo. Yes, it was DEFINITELY a hint. But it came from a good place. The stars say you’re starting to smell a bit toxic. Time to focus on some other areas you’re passionate about.
VIRGO
Even after signing up for HelloFresh and following the idiot-proof instructions, you still managed to set your oven on fire. Which is weird, because nothing in the recipe actually required cooking. You’re a special one, Virgo. The stars are perplexed.
LIBRA
While they’re typically irritated by your perky demeanour and desperate need to be liked, the stars have seen the upside. They take great delight in watching you get away with murder, time after time. That pesky neighbour of yours had it coming.
SCORPIO
Alright, it’s 2020. Breastfeeding in public isn’t a big deal anymore. But when you’re offering it up to grown adults in the street, it’s a bit different. Why are you even lactating? You don’t have a baby. The stars say it’s time to put ‘em away, Scorpio.
SAGITTARIUS
Look Sagittarius, the stars agree. You are funny. But constantly roasting your friends is starting to cut a little too deep. Maybe mix it up every now and then – throw in a compliment from time to time. They’ll know you’re lying, but at least you’d be trying.
CAPRICORN
You’re being lazy, Capricorn. You know it, the stars know it, and so do your colleagues. Perhaps it’s your lack of punctuality or the fact that you’ve had bed hair three times in the last week. But something’s gotta give. Maybe the bong?
AQUARIUS
Feel like you’re in limbo, Aquarius? The stars say it’s time to self-motivate. Get out of bed earlier, keep a diary, start a fight club. You could even try repeating mantras in the mirror. “You got this!” Not convinced? Well, Jeremy, neither are the stars.
PISCES
You’d think after all your wild experiences, you’d have gained a bit of wisdom. But the stars get a little duller every time they see you make the same mistake, over and over. FFS, use protection, Pisces! There’s enough of your spawn running around.
ARIES
You typically take a gung-ho approach to life, Aries. Inspirational, really. But it would be a good idea to stop, think and reflect before you completely cock-up yet another mid-winter Christmas. A stripper at a family do is never a good idea. RIP Uncle Barry.
TAURUS
You’ve been hustling hard lately, Taurus. It’s time for some pay off. If you’ve been feeling under-appreciated by your boss, lover or cat, now’s the time to make it known. Ask for a raise. Stamp your feet. Slam the door. Fluffy needs an attitude check.
GEMINI
Wanna know a quick hack for losing weight? Dump that sad sack you call a soulmate. They’ve been draining the life out of you for yonks and the stars can’t bear to watch. Do it over messenger. Even if you live together. It’s the least they deserve.
The stars aren’t holding back this Matariki. But after the sh*tstorm we’ve had, we should be thankful for a chance to start over. Now, get out there and shine damn it.