SASS FROM THE STARS - AUG 2020

Leo season has been and gone but Miss Rona’s wrath can still be felt right ‘round the world. Through it all, the stars watch on. Guiding us and shining their light – often directly into our eyes. They’re sassy like that. Anywho, their wisdom awaits…  

LEO

It was one thing over Aries/Taurus season, but lockdown during YOUR birthday month seems especially cruel. Not to worry Leo, you’ll soon get all the attention you need. The stars see a viral TikTok in your future. They’re very disappointed in you.

VIRGO

Oh no, Virgo. Your friends are already plotting no-show excuses for your birthday. After getting locked in that escape room for six hours last year, you can hardly blame them. You know it was just a public toilet, right? That homeless guy really gotcha.

LIBRA

Nothing going your way lately Libra? Belongings gone missing? Rash flared up again? The stars fear you’ve been cursed. Maybe refusing that witchy peddler’s miracle balm at the farmers’ market wasn’t such a good idea. It would’ve at least soothed the rash.

SCORPIO

The stars are shocked with this defeatist attitude, Scorpio. Pyjamas at the supermarket is just too far. It’s time to dig deep, power up and achieve your goals. You won’t land a sugar mama/daddy in slippers and a dressing gown. Get minxy.

SAGITTARIUS

You don’t like being told what to do, do you Sagittarius? You filled up your spa during a drought. Went camping during lockdown. Now we’ve been told to wear a mask and you’re swanning around like the Phantom of the Opera? The stars say, “grow TF up”.

CAPRICORN

After deep self-reflection, the stars think it’s time to say, “see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya” to your past self. Just like your ex did the day before your wedding. Face it Capricorn, you’ve sucked for a long time. But this is a turning point for you.

AQUARIUS

You’re fiercely independent, Aquarius. But the stars see a partnership going to the next level this month. How exciting. Don’t get your hopes up, Jeremy. The stars see a long list of your shortcomings being sent to your lover in an anonymous email. Oh no!

PISCES

There’s something different about you this month, Pisces. That infectious giggle, placid demeanour and the spark in your eyes. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an improvement. Just don’t smoke and drive buddy. You’re bad enough without a buzz.

ARIES

Mercury, the planet of communication, has your back this month. Will you finally work up the courage to profess your feelings to your long-time crush? The stars are placing bets. And the best odds are on ‘no’. Go on! Prove ‘em wrong Aries.

TAURUS

Oh Taurus. Overworked, underpaid and desperately in need of a nap. The stars urge you to take it easy. All this stress is taking a toll on your health and more importantly, your physical appearance. Clear the calendar, this hag needs her beauty rest STAT.

GEMINI

The stars are impressed with your newfound Zen, Gemini. Last month’s sassing really got to you, didn’t it? Kundalini yoga works wonders. But if you say “namaste” to one more rando on the street, the cosmos are gonna lose it. Be calm. But not THAT calm.

CANCER

Well look at you, Cancer. New get-up, new do, new attitude. You even waxed the monobrow. Whether the extra effort is for someone special, or your upcoming court trial, the stars say you’re looking fierce. Murderer or not, the jury will drool.

A resurgence of the pandemic put us all in a frenzy. Luckily the stars have reminded us that we’re all riddled with unique problems that are equally as pressing – so get it together.