Supermarket stand-offs aside, the stars are super proud of us humans at this dark time. They’re even scaling back the sass this month. That’s right. Despite being a gazillion years old, the cosmos can be flexible. But can you?

Aries

Speaking of flexibility, the stars say you’ve taken this Pilates stuff too far Aries. No one should be physically able to contort their bodies like that. You’re not an owl. Or possessed. This month keep your head on straight or it might fall right off.

Taurus

Ah, Taurus your stubbornness has paid off. For once. After refusing to sell your humble home to those greedy developers, they’ve scrapped their plans to build another f*cking F45 gym. The stars couldn’t be more pleased. Stick it to the man!

Gemini

Listen Gemini, the stars say you need to start taking the stairs more often. Not in a rude way (they’ve noted those morning squats and say you’re looking TIGHT). Rather, the elevator at your work is dodgy AF and set to break down any day now.

Cancer

You’re really exploiting this whole ‘flexi hours’ thing Cancer. Working from home doesn’t mean you can be that casual at Skype meetings. You could at least put some pants on. The stars say standing up to answer the phone was a terrible move.

Leo

Alright Leo, the stars say it’s time to reel in the spending. You’ve been flexin’ cash left right and centre this month and it’s going to leave you bone dry. Surely having your card decline after ordering the entire bar a round was enough of a sign?

Virgo

For someone who works so hard Virgo, you don’t get a lot done do you? Next time Nancy from next door comes-a-knockin’, tell her “no, Nancy, not now”. The stars say you need to set some boundaries with all these chatty Cathys you seem to attract.

Libra

Wallowing in self-pity again Libra? The stars are a bit over it. Your problems are very miniscule in the grand scheme of things. Get out of bed, look in the mirror and remember, despite your dramatic outlook, you’re still drop dead gorgeous. XOX

Scorpio

The stars are shocked at how long it’s taken you to find an appropriate outlet for all that Scorpio sass. Now you’ve finished that 10,000 piece puzzle, perhaps it’s time for something a little more you. Maybe join a Fight Club or something. You’d thrive!

Sagittarius

Cupid’s comin’ for ya Sagittarius. But this suitor certainly isn’t your typical type. The stars urge you to open your mind. After all, with such a bountiful bank account, age is just a number. You could be very happy together. And even happier afterwards.

Capricorn

Who would have thought your odd hobby could be so prosperous. Those polymer-clay ring holders are a bit phallic, but perhaps that’s why they’ve been so popular. Although the stars suspect no one’s actually using them for their intended purpose.

Aquarius

Professing your love for Mandy from Marketing in front of the entire office was super gutsy. You’re usually so low key Aquarius. The stars are impressed. Shame she rejected you. But that’s nothing new to you, right, Jeremy? HR will be in touch.

Pisces

You may think you’re organised with your diligent diary keeping and overuse of highlighter. But nothing can prepare you for the shitstorm that’s coming your way. The stars suggest leaning into it. Go with the flow like the lazy fish you truly are.

Well despite what you may be thinking, the stars tried to hold fire on the sass this month. But if isn’t at least a little burn, what’s the point?

SASS FROM THE STARS - APRIL 2020