Sass from the stars - June

Psychotic crabs, seductive scorpions, and lions on the catwalk.

This month’s been hard, hasn’t it? Neptune’s in retrograde, Pluto’s plotting against us, and Mercury’s way up Uranus (we just had to). But don’t worry, our in-house Medium has been yarning with the stars to make July a little easier for us all.

Cancer

June hasn’t been so bad for Cancers. We’ve all noticed you’ve been far less crabby. Almost eerily calm. It’s been nice. Borderline psychotic. But still nice. Remove all sharp objects from your vicinity so you can carry this bliss with you into July.

Leo

Damn Leo. You’re looking sexier than ever. That luscious mane, fine form, brilliant smile – have you considered modelling? Of course you have, you beautiful vain old kitty. I see a catwalk awaiting you this July. Don’t be shy. Work it.

Virgo

Breathe. C’mon, deeper than that. So deep you spin out. You need to release some tension. June has been such a busy month, you’ve developed a twitch. This July, drink more tea. Take up Yoga. Maybe smoke a joint or two.

Libra

You’ve been a giant baby throughout the whole of June. Your friends, colleagues and pets are over your shit. Maybe your Yin and Yang are out of whack. Or maybe you’re just a brat. This July, put yourself in time-out and think about your behaviour.

Scorpio

Sexy Scorpio, you ol’ heartbreaker you. You’re leaving a trail of sad-saps in your wake. No one can resist that dark and alluring charm you’ve got going on. Be mindful that behind all that mystery, you aint shit, so you shouldn’t be too picky.

Sagittarius

No Sagittarius. A mid-winter dinner party is not a good idea. We know you try your damndest. But the truth is, your cooking is dangerous. We’re still scarred from the sausage sizzle fiasco at your summer barbeque. This July, get Uber Eats.

Capricorn

I see a bottle. Is it a beer? Maybe Kombucha? I can’t tell because you’ve peeled the label right off you sexually frustrated mermaid-goat. You’re all sorts of pent up. This July, get yourself dressed to the nines and go get some.

Aquarius

I predict a farm-yard catastrophe on the cards this month, so watch out for cows with the crazy in their eye. Except you Jeremy. You just watch out for slashed tyres, you cheating Aquarian bastard.

Pisces

Oh Pisces. Poor simple Pisces. Everyone has started to realise you aren’t as bright as you let on. You just don’t get it. Of course you don’t. You’re a bloody fish. This July try reading to sharpen up. I recommend The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

Aries

Simmer down Aries. You’re all hot and bothered. Over the smallest thing. You know what I’m talking about. THAT thing. You’ve been a stubborn ol’ ram this month and everyone’s too scared to tell you that you’re wrong. Guess what Aries. YA WRONG.

Taurus

Two words for you my buckwild Taurus – portion control. I’m not saying you don’t look fine as hell when you get a little cuddlier. But in today’s PC world, no one is willing to call you out on your binge-eating bullshit. But that’s what the stars are for.

Gemini

Oh Gemini. You’ve been riddled with internal conflicts and it’s making you terribly unproductive. The twins within just aren’t agreeing and it’s tearing up your insides. Or maybe it’s just indigestion. This July, try going gluten-free.

That’s your monthly sassing from the stars and gosh weren’t they harsh? But if you can’t hear it from the stars, who can you hear it from?