SASS FROM THE STARS - AUGUST 2022
Quit being a wallflower. Leo season means it’s time to be heard. Set boundaries, demand MORE, get up in someone’s grill and let out a ROAR. The stars say it’s time to stop tiptoeing and start stomping. Buckle up everyone, it’s about to get loud.
LEO
It’s your season, baby! And you’re clearly feeling it. While Queen Street was an iconic runway moment, commuters were mega pissssed. Unfortunately for them, the honking only hyped you more. Watch out Leo, the stars see a bus coming in HOT.
VIRGO
Intimacy issues, Virgo? The stars noticed you’ve been building barriers in the bedroom. C’mon, your partner doesn’t want to sleep in a pillow fort. Stop faking a “headache” and just say it straight – “I don’t want to kiss you, go to the dentist”.
LIBRA
You’ve been setting serious boundaries lately, Libra. And the stars are loving it. Sure, the argument with your BFFL ended at A&E, but your friendship is stronger for it, right? Unlike their broken leg. You’re a work in progress. But they had it coming.
SCORPIO
Boom, bitch. You’re a weapon at work and totally smashed that big presentation. Even with spinach stuck in your teeth. So what’s next, Scorpio? Aim for the stars. CEO? CFO? COO? Think big to take over 51% of that company. Then, the world.
Sagittarius
We know you hate feelings, Sag. But seriously – it’s time to dig deep and release. That vein on your forehead is practically popping out of your head. The stars see a supernova hitting if you can’t let go a little. Close your eyes. Inhale. SCREAM.
CAPRICORN
The stars say it’s time to throw caution to the wind and dive headfirst into your new hobby, Cap. Forget what everyone says, mime is an art form. So pull on that striped shirt and dazzle the masses. Monochrome is so in, you’re sure to be a big hit.
AQUARIUS
Foot in mouth much, Aquarius? How did you manage to insult your mum, sister, best friend’s cousin and next-door neighbour’s cat in one fell swoop? It’s time to think before you open your trap or you’ll end up in the doghouse. Permanently, *Jeremy*.
PISCES
All those water aerobics classes are paying off, Pisces. But must you really wear your goggles everywhere you go? Nobody cares how many pairs of speedos you have in your wardrobe. And please take off the floaties. Too much, even for a fish.
ARIES
Own it, Aries. The stars know it was you who spiked the punch at the office do. Boy that homebrew moonshine made things go from 0-100 real quick. Remember, hangovers fade, but your manager’s “I <3 Harry Styles” face tattoo is sadly forever.
TAURUS
Feeling smothered? Stop, drop and get outta there, Taurus. Whether it’s your moaning mother, overbearing friends or a needy cat – tell them you need space and take it. In fact, change your name and move country. The stars say it’s the only way.
GEMINI
It’s a good job there’s two of you, Gem. One twin wants peace and the other chaos. So which lead will you follow? The stars say embrace Leo season and choose the latter for a truly exciting and invigorating month. Who knows where it’ll take you?
CANCER
You’ve listened to one Crypto podcast, Cancer. Stop dishing out “financial advice” to your friends. You can barely count to ten, so why should they listen to you? Stay in your lane and stick to what you know; spending all your money on candles at Kmart.
The stars are ready to see you strut your stuff, flip your mane and tuck into any gazelles that get in your way. No more pussyfooting around, it’s time to take your throne. And if you can’t handle the lion-heart – just stay home.
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