SASS FROM THE STARS - AUGUST 2021
Well, the Olympics are over and you’re still on the couch. The stars were hoping our promising young athletes would have inspired a little more liveliness. Alas, they’re here to help you shake off winter and roar into spring. It is Leo season after all.
LEO
Time to party, Leo. You’ve already sent out your invites and more importantly, your wish-list. But the stars need to manage your expectations. That Raro getaway GoFundMe page is tacky and offensive. It’s not a wedding! Reel it in buddy.
VIRGO
For someone so regimented, you sure have gotten sloppy, Virgo. Your house is a damn mess and as “busy” as you are, the stars don’t buy it. Either get to work, hire a housekeeper or better yet, delegate to your housemates. You’re awfully good at that.
LIBRA
After a slumbersome season of bed-eating, you’ve got an itch for romance, Libra. But as you craft your Tinder bio, you’re struggling to think of any interesting hobbies. The stars say just copy someone else’s personality like you always do. Get swiping!
SCORPIO
It’s not enough that your cheating ex contracted syphilis, you just had to tell everyone, didn’t you? But you left out a key detail, Scorpio – who they caught it from. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with the stars. But this month, mind your mouth.
SAGITTARIUS
Nice Sag, your road rage is finally under control. But this new habit of arguing with radio hosts on the way to work is alarming. Arms flailing, mouth roaring, spit flying – it’s quite a spectacle. Hosking can’t hear you, so perhaps pull over and write a letter.
CAPRICORN
Lazy lie ins, hours scrolling Tik-Tok lifehacks, a permanent butt-print on your couch – what happened? You’ve become quite the procrastinator, Capricorn. The stars understand you’ve got a lot on your plate, but it’s not going to clear itself.
AQUARIUS
Everyone’s talking about you this month, Aquarius. Who are they? Where are they from? Why hasn’t anyone called the police? But your notoriety as the anonymous nudey-bandit is going to be compromised once your identity is revealed, *Jeremy*.
PISCES
That last supermarket run had the stars looking at you sideways, Pisces. Did that pumpkin have anything interesting to say? Or were you just asking if it was ripe? Perhaps order your groceries online this month so you can converse in peace.
ARIES
WOW you move quick, Aries. Shooting from A to B like a bullet. The stars say you need to slow down. That thing your car hit yesterday wasn’t a possum. Best give your bonnet a wash before anyone notices. And catch the bus until the heat dies down.
Taurus
You’ve set a new record, Taurus. The stars have never seen an alarm snoozed so many times in a row. Your poor housemates have started having sinister thoughts about you. So enjoy the extra Zzzz while you can, a rude awakening is on its way.
GEMINI
Life’s been a bit boring lately hasn’t it, Gemini? With friends dropping like flies, you’ve found yourself twiddling your thumbs most weekends. The stars suggest using this time to reflect on your terrible personality. Then you’ll never be bored again.
CANCER
It appears you have a doppelganger, Cancer. Someone (probably a Libran) is completely ripping off your shtick – your Insta posts, fashion, even your horrific haircut! The stars say watch your back, it’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers out here.
Winter’s on its way out, but it can take a while to wake up from hibernation. And since our Olympians failed to get you going, the stars hope their wisdom has done the trick. Now rub your eyes, stretch your back and do a backflip or something rad.
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