From the salacious to the downright snarky, we all love to sink our teeth into a good bite of juicy gossip. But why? How does gossip work? Where does it come from? Why do we love it so much? And can the answers to those questions be boiled down to simple gossip-math? I think they can.

Why do we gossip?

Of course, anyone in polite society will tell you they don’t gossip. But they do. Gossip plays a vital role in forming society. Back in the days of the monkeys, primates bonded over the ritual of grooming. Nowadays we don’t need to pick fleas off each other as we chat, laugh and discuss our feelings. But, as Anthropologist Robin Dunbar explains, “gossip replaces grooming as a way for people to maintain social relationships.”

So don’t feel too bad having a chin-wag about Megxit over your morning flat white – gossiping is good for you – it helps make society work.

When did gossip become a business?

Being a sucker for celebrity gossip, I spent the final year of my Journalism degree trying to answer that question by studying gossip columnists through the ages. Who made gossip a full-time job? How did it become so popular? Who is responsible for my unhealthy addiction?

The answer: Walter Winchell. He became the first gossip columnist in 1929. ‘The Godfather’ of celebrity gossip was renowned for his catty column, his famous friends and a cigarette that seemed to be forever dangling from his lips.

And the gossip train rolls on. In fact, it’s now a juggernaut. Websites like TMZ are growing from strength to strength – and the Daily Mail gets more hits in our office than Facebook.

Yes, gossip is a thing. It plays a vital role in forming and reforming society. And it’s fun. But is there a simple way to measure how it works? I think there is. And it involves my worst subject… maths!

How does great gossip add up?

When you boil down the steaming sensationalism, gossip is relatively simple. It involves people, news and scandal. Gossip only works when the people you’re talking to know the people you’re talking about. That’s why celebrity gossip works best. It obviously needs some news, because that’s the topic of the day – and the juicier, spicier, more salacious the better. We all love a good scandal. So that’s our math.

THE SIMPLE MATH OF GOSSIP

CELEBRITY + NEWS x SCANDAL = GOSSIP WORTHINESS

How do our stories add up?

If you take this equation, you can dial in variables based on snippets of the day. I think there are three fundamental themes;

Everyday unordinary
Tragically excellent
Tell-all exclusives

Scratching your head? Fear not. I’m here to explain it all and make you realise how simple it all is.

CELEBRITY + EVERYDAY X SCANDAL

Those poor celebs. One minute they’re strutting the catwalk for Louis Vuitton and the next they’re nipping down to their local for a pint of milk. So, why is it the ordinary everyday circumstances make the headlines? See Hailey Bieber for example:

Hailey Bieber flaunts her long legs in Daisy Dukes and a leather jacket on solo stroll

In this scenario, the gossip equation goes as follows:

Hailey Bieber + (Wearing shorts) x Low scandal = Approx. seven seconds of my attention, then I’m outty.

CELEBRITY + TRAGEDY X SCANDAL

Oh the tragic circumstances. In Hollywood speak, these can often relate to promising young stars going off the rails, the death of a famous furry friend or the breakdown of a seemingly long-lasting marriage. See this headline relating to Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth:

Liam Hemsworth files for divorce from Miley Cyrus after she kissed Kaitlynn Carter

And here we can see it as….

Liam Hemsworth + (files for Divorce) x Medium scandal = A five-minute conversation in the office with Erin about the past ten years of their relationship.

CELEBRITY + TELL-ALL X SCANDAL

The juicier the better. From reality show contestants to the Royals, us humans take a keen interest in the scandalous behaviour of others. Take Prince Andrew and his little Andrew for example…

Adultery, love children and death: Prince Andrew's revenge tell-all ‘could ruin the royal family’

You know where this is going…

Prince Andrew + (Revenge tell-all) x Maximum scandal = Me getting my popcorn out to see him make a blithering idiot of himself… again.

So, you do the math.

There you have it. That’s the simple math of gossip. And it kind of works. Even for an amateur mathematician like myself.

So folks, not only is gossip crucial to our evolution (those anthropologists know their stuff), it’s really simple too. Take one celeb, add in an event and times it by the level of scandal and ta dah! There’s your goss-worthiness.

Now, have you heard about that one time when…?

THE SIMPLE MATH OF CELEBRITY GOSSIP