MYSTIC MATTY'S BEST BUYS
Ah, the season of giving is upon us. And the stars are in full swing to save you last-minute Larrys from yourselves – and your crap gifts from the landfill. Here’s their top gift picks for each Zodiac so everyone gets what they want deserve.
SAGITTARIUS
The stars say save the shopping, Sagittarians don’t want it. This fiery sign is all about experiences over material objects. Like a massage. Or a bungee jump. I mean, we all know a Sag we’d love to push off a bridge, right?
CAPRICORN
Glitz, glam and “to be taken seriously” is all Capricorns really want in life. So the stars reckon you can’t go wrong with a fancy wallet, purse, manbag or murse. Just be sure it’s got a label. Kmart won’t cut it for any Cap.
AQUARIUS
Cold, aloof and way too cool for Christmas, Aquarians only need one thing this year – sunglasses to block the haters. They’ve got a few. And if you’re buying for my ex Jeremy, shop around your chimney for a nice hunk of coal.
PISCES
The stars reckon Pisces are easy. Head along to Lush and spend a bomb on bath bombs. They just looove a good splash in the tub. Fill their stocking with smellies and you’ll have one happy, fizzy fishy.
ARIES
The toddler of the Zodiac needs nothing more than an outlet for their excess energy. So the stars suggest a retro set of rollerblades from Amazon Surf. Keep them busy and get them out of your hair for a while. Win/win.
TAURUS
If you know a Taurus, you know they like to stay home. It’s safer for everyone that way. That’s why the stars reckon you get ‘em something for the home. A plush blanket to hide their horns could be the go.
GEMINI
There’s nothing more curious than a Gemini at Christmas lunch – always all up in your conversations. The stars say a clever Wasjig is just the distraction to avoid their brave yet senseless questions. A silent night indeed.
CANCER
This one’s important. Cancers are the epitome of “it’s the thought that counts”. Genuinely, if your gift isn’t super “them” and well thought through – your Cancer will cry. Try an engraved journal to write away their tears.
LEO
On the other hand, Leo’s don’t need as much thought as they do need value. It better be the best gift under the tree, the biggest – and most expensive. Load up a chilly bin with as many goodies as poss, your Leo will love it.
VIRGO
Imagine the most boring gift possible, buy it, then wrap it up for your Virgo. They like the simple things that help them stay organised and uptight. The stars suggest a pretty new diary for 2024. Job done, ya welcs.
LIBRA
Whatever you get your Libran should depend on how much you love them. Only a bit? Don’t overthink it. They’re people pleasers and will assure you it’s the most special gift in the world. If you love love them, call me back @Jeremy.
SCORPIO
A lamb to sacrifice on an alter isn’t particularly Christmassy. So the stars say a juicy mystery to read at the beach, with plenty of gore, will go down a treat. Peep @Soph’s Summer book club for some salacious recs.
There you have it, your top gift picks from the stars. Now we can all enjoy a stress-free Christmas where everyone gets what they want. That’s what it’s all about right?
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